I am not sure if it is the aftermath of such a great first birthday party, the fact that there is nothing else to plan, but I have been super ho yummy this weekend. Yes, that is a technical term. I have been so tired and walking around like I am missing something. Delilah is entering a new territory: throwing fits. This is taking a little getting used to, I was not ready to start disciplining, but I am now going to have to start. Pulling hair, hitting, and screaming when she can't do what she wants has started. I am not sure, and I honestly hadn't thought of what kind of discipline I wanted to do, so like everything else, Im going to wing it. I know consistency is the most important factor, so I will be mindful of that.
We had breakfast this morning with an old friend. A friend I have had since the 7th grade, and although we will always be friends, it is just different now. I have a baby and she does not. It is funny how, with that one sentence I put a mile between her and I, I don't do it on purpose, but it is there and a huge difference in our lives. I feel the need to apologize when Delilah is acting anything but perfect and so guilty when her mood stops us from a shopping trip. A shopping trip that used to be so carefree and easy. But it is not that way now and I find it so hard not to be jealous of her whimsical life, one I used to have.
Of course, my life has all new whims, like poppy diapers, Delilah deciding to not sit at the table, and not knowing how many times we will get up in the middle of the night. I don't mean to make motherhood so negative, but I guess it is how I am feeling right now. I love Delilah more than anything, but I am feeling a little lost lately. I feel like I am losing myself to the redundancy of our daily routine. Forgetting how to be able to eat lunch and talk about current events, or the funny thing that happened last week. I couldn't even tell you what size pants I wear, because it has been that long since I have went out shopping for myself.
I feel that my friends that I had before the baby have left me alone to wade through the uncertainty of motherhood. When, at a time in our friendships, they were there to talk me through a bad day or an argument I got in with Byron. I know my interests and activities are a little different now, but I am still the same person.
Maybe that is the problem, maybe I am not the same person, and the common ground we once had has been replaced by my sweet daughter. Is there a way to keep our old friends, when our own life has made such a dramatic change? I have tried, I know that. But I am starting to think that there is no stopping the evolving life. The life that can change with a blink of an eye, or an extra pink line in my case.
I have made new friends, and been lucky enough to have some old friends have babies with me. I still have those old friends, but it is just a little different and I guess at the end of the day, she still wanted to have lunch with the destructo baby and me, and that makes me happy. I just wish I was better at managing my time and able to see all the people I miss so much. Sometimes being a stay at home mom can be a little lonely and on the same hand traveling with a baby can be so unpredictable it is easier to stay at home, a double edged sword, if you will.
I will leave my pity party now, it has just been one of those days where it seems like nothing is going right.
On a brighter note, Delilah slept all night and I was able to catch up on some much needed sleep. She is also getting really good at hugs and kissing, it makes my heart melt! She will come up to hug me and go, "ahhhh". It is so sweet! Sometimes she bites my shoulder, but that doesn't happen all the time ;)